Mom, I am doing well in Taipei

Note: This article was first published on the WeChat public account "Sandwich".

01

"Can't."

The teller lady threw out these three words without even raising her eyes, and didn't even bother to give me a fake smile.

In Taipei at the beginning of 2021, spring is freezing. I stood in front of a bank counter and was thrown cold water on my guard. This is my second month in Taiwan as a mainland dispatcher. I have just finished home quarantine. I excitedly brought money to open a bank account and prepared the information according to the instructions on the official website.

"Why?" I tried hard to see her work ID card clearly, wondering what kind of attitude this was and whether she deserved a complaint. The old Taiwanese lady at the window next door was here to do RMB business. The teller who was in charge of receiving her was smiling all over her face, as if she was deliberately trying to accentuate the seriousness on my side.

Through the reflective glass window, the voice of the teller lady opposite me was vague: "Our bank follows XXX international standards and the regulations for opening accounts are relatively strict. You may want to go to other banks to check."

I tried to recall my past experience of applying for a bank card: when I was studying abroad, my alma mater issued a campus card and savings card. Earlier when I was working in mainland China, I was always rushed to apply for salary cards and credit cards. Now that I have come to Taiwan, I am neither a student nor a worker, but just a "mainland spouse". Once I return to the pre-liberation period, do I not have my own account?

I ran to another bank to inquire. This time the teller smiled, but still rejected me. The reasons were similar, except for a narrow door: "If you find a job, you can apply with your work certificate."

I looked down at my residence permit. There was a row of small red words on it, indicating that as a mainland worker, I had the right to find a job in a legal sense and did not need to apply for a work residence permit. But as a liberal arts student, a married woman with no children, what kind of job can I find in Taiwan?

02

My last job was a management position in a trading company in Milan. I found it in a hurry after graduating from the University of Milan in early 2020. I originally wanted to use it as a springboard to convert my student residence into a work residence, but within a few days of joining the job, The epidemic broke out in Italy, and the company switched to online work. The ensuing logistics shutdown caused this ten-year-old small company to die three months later. I didn’t even get a full salary, which I didn’t expect when I resigned and came to study in Italy.

Adon comforted me, saying that Italy’s economy is already in a slump, and young people with ideas are going elsewhere. Being a foreigner is even more difficult. He had just obtained permanent residence in Italy before the epidemic, and now he wants to return to Taiwan. The news reported several incidents of street violence against Asian faces, and right-wingers claimed that the virus was brought by the Chinese.

We followed the small advertisement in the WeChat group of international students and found a Chinese-owned logistics company in an alley in Milan. It took more than a month to complete the mammoth cross-border move: one-third of it was Adon’s luggage and was sent to His hometown of Hsinchu, one-third of our luggage back to the mainland was sent to my hometown of Suzhou in advance, and the other third was carry-on luggage. We bet on Lufthansa tickets and transferred from Germany after many twists and turns. Go back to the mainland.

The fate with Italy came to an end with this little move of ants. Before leaving, Adon and I walked around the city of Milan and recorded the sounds of daily life on the streets, parks, markets, etc., as material for his next music album. I named this album Ciao Milano (Goodbye Milan). Ciao means "hello" and also means "goodbye". Adon said that he might come back again.

But I have a secret worry that I can’t go back: our decision to get married during the epidemic has become a watershed between the “free me” and the “unfree us”. But we need this paper marriage certificate to alleviate the anxiety caused by the epidemic-at least we will not be forced to separate when crossing the border.

My mother doesn't mind that I can't get along in Italy. She even thinks that I have found a partner, which is the biggest achievement of studying abroad. As for me following my partner to Taiwan after the wedding in mainland China, she thinks it is much closer than Italy. , no time difference, just a two-hour flight. The only thing that made her uneasy was that she hadn't been able to visit the man's house yet, so she had to give her numerous warnings to "ensure good finances."

Of course I didn't plan to be a full-time housewife. During the two months of lockdown in Milan, I was fed up with being quarantined at home and unable to do anything. If I couldn't find a job, it would be good to go to school. There is a "resume" folder on my computer desktop. As the number of resume submissions increases, it expands like a greedy snake.

Adon's parents have been urging their son to go to work as soon as possible. In the eyes of the elderly, it is the right way to go to work one day earlier and get his salary one day earlier. As for my new daughter-in-law, they didn't say anything, but they were probably still looking forward to having a baby.

During the first New Year in Taiwan, I followed Adon’s family to worship their ancestors at the Hakka ancestral hall. After paying homage to the ancestors, someone saw a red-skinned Xin Ding Ban (a glutinous rice pastry stuffed with red bean paste). It turned out that they had a new baby boy in their family, and they made it specially to share the joy with everyone. The elders collect "ding fees" from the men in the family to fund the repairs and maintenance of the ancestral hall, but women do not have to pay - in the past, unmarried and divorced aunts could not even enter the ancestral hall. Adon's father said that these days, gender equality is advocated, and the aunt's plaque can also be entered into the ancestral hall. If this woman is good enough, she will be worshiped.

I thought to myself, is this what institutionalization means? We live in an organized way and die in a progressive way.

03

After the Spring Festival, Adon successfully joined an architect firm in Taipei. I also rushed around during interviews and half-joked with him that if I couldn't find a job, he would have to pay the rent alone. It seemed that I would have to be pregnant to make sense. . Adon didn't take it seriously, saying that finding a job and having children were things that couldn't be rushed, and told me to relax. In March 2021, we rented a new small apartment in Taipei. A small hydroponic spider plant was inserted into a glass vase by the window, and soft new shoots had just sprouted quietly.

I soon found a new job in Taipei, a management position at a start-up company. The company is located in a shared office in an office building, surrounded by startups. The refrigerator in the common area is filled with all kinds of food and crisper boxes, with colorful sticky notes on them to mark their names. The sofa in the public living room is against a large floor-to-ceiling glass window, and you can see the bustling street scene of Taipei. The boss likes to discuss business with clients here. In addition to the beautiful scenery, it is also because the space of his company is limited, and a long conference table takes up three thirds of it. Secondly, if all his colleagues are called and there are not enough chairs to sit on, it is no wonder that he supports remote working.

My colleagues were all dressed in pure cotton and linen, with their young faces buried behind laptops covered with colorful stickers. They only raised their heads and smiled politely when the boss introduced me. Regarding my " Mainland Chinese" status seems to be indifferent. Tania is the eldest female colleague who joined the company in the same batch. She once worked in Beijing. She is very considerate to everyone and can chat with me for a few words. When she talks about Beijing, her tone is like talking about her ex-boyfriend, melancholy and tenderly.

“I still use WeChat to keep in touch with my former mainland colleagues,” she said.

Taiwanese who use WeChat know more about the mainland than Taiwanese who don’t use WeChat. My boss also uses WeChat and took his wife to study MBA in Beijing. He often wears T-shirts from that MBA school to work, not caring that the simplified Chinese characters printed on them will make some Taiwanese young people look at him. He has companies in Taiwan and mainland China - this seems to be the approach of many Taiwanese businessmen: hedging his bets and waiting for opportunities.

It wasn't until I went to the office that I found out that the HR person who contacted me before was actually the boss's wife, a Taiwanese who had worked in mainland China. She is also the financial director. During the interview, the boss promised her a salary, but when she got there, she was haggled, and the salary she got in the end was less than what was agreed upon. I thought to myself, I can do as much as I want with the money. Besides, I only need to go to the office two days a week, so I can use my time flexibly, so why bother!

The boss is also very cheerful. Hearing that I couldn't apply for a bank card, he immediately issued a work certificate. He also specially asked me to go to the bank opposite the company to apply for it. "Send me the name of the company, they are more familiar with it."

Sure enough, the bank teller recommended by the boss became much gentler and no longer regarded me as an enemy. She took my information and looked at it again and again. She pointed at one place helplessly and said with a smile: "The seal here is not clear. It needs to be re-stamped." Gai oh."

The boss looked incredulous when he saw that I was backing off again. After listening to my explanation, he grabbed the seal, pressed the ink pad hard, and then stamped several seals on the paper like a prank, " It should be OK now!”

In the fourth month after entering Taiwan, I finally had my own bank account. My mother repeatedly said yes on the other end of the video and took the trouble to take care of me: "Protect yourself!"

I understand what my mother means. She has suffered a lot and is not afraid to assume the worst about others. Money can bring a sense of security. But Adon’s family are also down-to-earth good people. When Adon and I lived in Taipei, his parents drove home from Hsinchu every now and then to deliver home-grown fruits and vegetables, filling the refrigerator in our apartment to the brim, and we went back to my in-laws’ house on the weekends. I always sleep until I wake up naturally, and my mother-in-law always goes to the market early to buy my favorite fried dumplings and comes back and puts them quietly on the dining table.

"I'm fine, don't worry!" I said to my mother.

04

Before I got the job offer, I applied to be a doctoral student at a university in Taipei. Because I am Lu Pei, I am not in the same registration system as Lu Sheng. I have not found any precedent of Lu Pei studying for a Ph.D. in Taiwan. I don’t know what information I need to prepare, so I went to the relevant units and wrote emails to inquire. It took a lot of trouble. circle, and received an official reply: Lu Pei applied as a "general student", but if he loses his dependent residence, his study qualification will also be cancelled.

"Official, I have to flatter you, otherwise I won't be able to work or study." I bowed to Adon, and he smiled proudly.

A few days after I joined the company, I received an interview notice from the school. On a humid morning, I took the MRT, then transferred to a bus, and headed to the Muzha Campus in the southern tip of Taipei. I was so busy responding to work messages all the way. The school is located on a green mountain. I got lost that day and almost gave up on the interview. The administrative teacher made several phone calls and finally ran down to me with an umbrella and took me up the mountain to find the classroom. It was not troublesome at all. . At the end of the interview, she said with a smile, "You will be fine," and then asked me with concern, "Why don't you look good? You need more rest."

I was indeed a little tired, which was caused by early pregnancy reactions. I thought I hid it well, but women seem to be naturally sensitive. There was a row of professors sitting in the interview classroom, and there was only one male, "a little green among thousands of flowers", which was exactly the opposite of my past experience in interviews and defenses. I feel that I have come to the right place - although my status is quite embarrassing. I am neither a mainland student nor an "ordinary student" in the general sense. I cannot apply for scholarships from either end, but the school is well-known in Taiwan. It is called a "Party School" and has strong political overtones. It has also produced many celebrities in the literary and art circles, such as Tao Jingying, Chen Qizhen, etc. Although I have not yet entered school, I have somehow gained some respect.

Adon was very happy when he heard that I was admitted, but when he saw that I was carrying the three banners of being a student, a worker, and an expectant mother at the same time, he lamented, "It's too much work for a capable person." I don’t think I “can” it. Getting an offer is certainly a kind of affirmation, but isn’t it just what they need? My ambitious boss needed someone who understood the mainland market, and my teachers were interested in people moving across the border, so they offered me an olive branch. But what do I really want?

I told Adon that I need to survive, so I have to work, and I want to pursue meaning, so I want to study for a Ph.D., and I also want to be a mother, even though I have not yet understood how to live, and I have to welcome the arrival of a new life. I want a lot, but I still don’t have the answer at the moment. It’s like opening a new account in an RPG game. The past life has been invalidated, but will the new life be better?

05

A singer said that in life we ​​only have one pair of hands, but there are many balls to throw and catch in our hands, and we must find a balance. I have never learned acrobatics, and I have to throw and catch three balls as soon as I start. This hard mode game makes my scalp numb. But who knew that the epidemic would also turn into a buff?

In May 2021, due to the spread of the epidemic, Taiwan upgraded its epidemic prevention policies, and all work and classes were moved online. The previous year, there were less than 800 confirmed cases on the island. From April to December 2020, there were zero confirmed local infections for eight consecutive months. The island media boasted that the authorities had "advanced deployment" and promoted Chen Shizhong, the commander of the epidemic command center at the time. altar. But now the myth of epidemic prevention has been shattered, vaccine procurement is insufficient, political scandals continue, and "advance deployment" has become "money deployment."

Once again, Adon and I fell into home isolation and laughed and said, "Why is this epidemic chasing us?" Adon would use his mobile phone to browse the news and gossip on the Ptt forum every day when he had free time. He would also read to me what he was angry about. I lay lazily in front of the computer, touched my belly and said, "Although this is a bit of a joke, it makes me much more relaxed without having to go out." At that time, my boss, colleagues, teachers and classmates could only see through the connection My upper body was not until the "minimization of lockdown" in the second half of 2021. As soon as we met, they exclaimed to me: "Your belly is so big!"

After the buff is used up, you still have to pay back what is due. For example, I started taking maternity leave from the day of the due date, but my boss still asked me to go to a meeting the day before. After giving birth, I lived in a confinement center, and I had to scratch my head and rush in between milking in the middle of the night. Homework, and when I left the confinement center in February 2022, I found that "rest" had completely left me: raising a baby is day and night, studying is every opportunity, and as for going to work? Let’s use maternity leave to block it out first!

In Taiwan, you can take two months of maternity leave with full salary. If you then take parental leave, you can receive 80% of your salary for six months, and you can take it for up to three years. Although when I applied for maternity leave, I guaranteed that it would only take two months, but after I returned to work after my maternity leave, I still had to deal with schoolwork, and thought about milking and feeding. I broke a candle into three pieces and burned it, and I was so busy that I was so busy.

"I feel like a scumbag now." I complained to Adon. "I answered work messages during class, secretly did my homework at work, and failed to raise my children according to the book... I caused a lot of trouble and didn't do it well."

"Aren't my parents helping to take care of the child?" Adon said, "If you feel too tired from work and class, you can stop."

stop? If I don't go to work, my mother will be the first to disagree. She often talks about "women need to be financially independent" and says that they must never ask for it from their husband with their palms turned upward. I am reminded of the cartoon "The Simpsons", in which the talented young daughter Lisa was told that she would become a housewife in the future and howled in resistance.

Or, take a break from school first? According to school regulations, you can take up to three years of parental leave while studying. But it is said that a senior student applied for leave of absence after becoming pregnant and never came back. Will I become her?

My department chair was a lady with a hearty laugh and a Hakka daughter-in-law. She found a teaching position after graduating from Ph.D. and gave birth to two boys when she was 36 and 38 years old. I asked her at a dinner party how she had the courage to have two children.

"We are weekend parents, and the children are raised by their grandparents," she laughed.

I took a deep breath: I can't even bear to wean myself off the breast, how can I do it? I even thought a little reproachfully, how can we transfer the motherhood to the elderly? Isn't this exploitation?

"Trouble others" will bring me a sense of shame, not to mention that there are "beautiful and sassy" independent women everywhere on the Internet, sharing their experience on how to be a time management master. Are you saying you are too busy? It must be that you haven't worked hard enough.

06

When I was first pregnant, a friend recommended babysitting, saying that the baby could be sent there when he was two months old, which would make it easier for me, but I had to sign up early. Taiwan has a serious problem of low birthrate. The total population has been experiencing negative growth in the past three years. Many young people are unwilling to get married and have children because of the cost of living. It is not uncommon for schools to "permanently close". However, the paradox is that childcare resources are still in short supply. There are also endless negative news about infant abuse. After leaving the confinement center, Adon and I discussed babysitting. To my surprise, he expressed firm opposition: "I don't believe strangers can take good care of other people's children."

Adon's parents also don't support babysitting, saying they are still strong enough to take care of their grandson. After discussion, the decision was that I would live in Hsinchu with my children first so that my parents-in-law could take care of me. Adon would continue to live in a rented house in Taipei on weekdays and return to Hsinchu on weekends. After all, he could walk to his company from his apartment in Taipei every day. Commuting across town by car adds at least an extra two hours on the road.

Starting from September 2022, I applied for six months of paid parental leave, and once again got rid of the shackles of work. The first thing I did was to take the driver's license test. Before I got my driver's license, I had to get up early every day and take the train from Hsinchu to Taipei Main Station, then transfer to the bus to my destination. After class or work, I would take the bus to the rental house in Taipei and meet Adon for dinner. Sometimes I bought vegetables and cooked them together, and sometimes we ordered takeout when we were both tired. After I got my driver's license, I finally no longer had to travel around the public transportation system, but I had to rely on coffee to stay awake all the way to ensure I didn't fall asleep while driving and in class.

In addition to a bag for my computer and books, I also have to carry a heavy breast pump, and I have to find a breastfeeding room every three hours, sometimes at school, sometimes at a train station, sometimes in a shopping mall. , wash your hands, assemble the machine, plug in the power, collect breast milk, seal and refrigerate the milk, clean the utensils... Half an hour has passed after such a set of operations, and I have to carry them on my back again.

My mother supported my breastfeeding at first, and even went to the temple to worship me when I was pregnant, hoping that I would have enough milk. But after the child turned one year old, she heard that I hadn’t weaned yet, and she frowned and said, “Isn’t it time to stop breastfeeding?”

I couldn't help but raise the decibel level: "This is not a faucet. You can turn it on if you want, and turn it off if you want!" Only in front of my mother would I show my irritable side.

"I just saw that you were tired." Mother said sarcastically.

"WHO experts have recommended that breastfeeding can be done until the baby is over two years old." I said. Of course, experts will not point out how hard it is for mothers carrying breast milk.

"If you love your children, give them the best." This slogan is posted in every nursing room I have ever stayed in. It is more magical than oxytocin.

07

Adon and I have considered renting an apartment in Taipei, preferably with more than two bedrooms, so that my parents-in-law and children can live together. The house we originally rented was a one-bedroom apartment with a high ceiling, which was just right for two people, but it was too crowded with a baby, and it was unsafe to go up and down the stairs. But not to mention the high rent in Taipei, the first thing my parents-in-law will worry about is that no one cares about the land in their hometown, and the big house they are used to living in is vacant.

We didn’t have to worry about so much anymore, so we tried hard to find an ideal house on the rental software, and found one in the mountains of Beitou. This area is famous for its hot springs, good air, and plenty of sunshine. Although it is far away from Adon’s work, it is suitable for work. Most of what we expected.

On the day we went to see the house, the landlord had just seen off a newlywed couple and welcomed us up with a smile. She is a well-maintained middle-aged woman. She said that she lives in Japan most of the time and does not like to bother to take care of it. She only plans to rent it once a year and is very picky about the tenants who stay. Her house was as good as we expected, and even more designed. But when I asked why the last tenant checked out, the landlord sighed and said that the previous tenant was actually an acquaintance of hers, renting it as her wedding Unexpectedly, after she gave birth to a baby, she was complained by the neighbors downstairs every three days, saying that the baby's crying was disturbing the residents. Later, the owners' committee was involved, and the police could not control it, so they had to let the tenant move out.

Adon and I looked at each other: Can we, a couple with children, still rent?

The landlord pursed her lips and smiled and said that since we were here, she would tell the ugly things first, but a newlywed couple had already come to see the house, and if she was honest, she would definitely rent to them first. "This is also for your own good. Many people buy houses in Beitou because they want to be clean and don't like to meet people with children."

Adon and I went downstairs in despair, and saw that our car parked downstairs had been scratched by someone, and we got angry: "I won't rent it anymore, I won't rent it anymore, what's the big deal, house speculators!" "

"Child misanthropy", we experienced it in Taiwan in early 2023. Adon has participated in the design of a social housing project. He once lurked in the owner's chat group to understand their thoughts. He also encountered people who hated children. Whenever a family with children upstairs made any noise, the residents downstairs would record a video. In the group chat, the people upstairs scolded the people downstairs as "nervous" and the people downstairs called the people above them "unethical". Adon said: "This is still a social housing. The people who live in it are all tenants with low incomes who finally got their turn in the lottery. They all regard themselves as the owners." He sighed, "They are harming each other."

08

As the saying goes, "Living in Taipei is not easy." Although the "shellless snail movement" has emerged in Taiwan since the 1980s to oppose high housing prices, the more people clamor for housing, the more housing prices soar, and it is still a trend today. Houses are hard to find. Although the government has painted a few pieces of cake about "residential justice", Adon and I can't see it but can't eat it.

For example, the social housing mentioned above is a housing built by the government or encouraged by private individuals. It is only for rent and not for sale. If you are lucky enough to get a lottery, you can move in at a price far lower than the market price and rent it for up to six years. But just like the social housing projects that Adon participated in the design, they are often located in areas with inconvenient transportation. Although the rent is cheap, they are empty. Tenants need to bring their own furniture and install air conditioning, which is also a considerable cost. According to the 2023 According to statistics, even in Taipei City, which has the highest number of social housing units, the winning rate is only 7%. Water from afar cannot save those who are near.

Adon also tried to apply for a rent subsidy. According to the official instructions, if the tenant applies for the rent subsidy, the landlord will get a tax deduction. This seems to be a two-way street. For this, we first need to have a household registration in Taipei City, which needs to be discussed with the landlord. . Although it is expressly stipulated that landlords are not allowed to prevent tenants from moving into the household registration based on the rental contract, our landlord is a senior "real estate speculator" in his late 80s. He was worried that he would pay more taxes if he was found out by the tax agency, so he was unwilling to cooperate at first. It wasn't until we renewed the lease for the second year that he reluctantly allowed us to move in and asked us to sign a guarantee that we would move out immediately once the lease expired and would not be renewed.

I took advantage of my parental leave to visit the household registration office and moved our family of three from Hsinchu to Taipei. I thought, "We are legitimately Taipei people!" Adon submitted the application for rent subsidy through the online system. There was no response for a long time regarding the application information. I called to inquire and found out that because he also had a farmhouse in his name, which was considered real estate, he was not eligible to apply. Adon was stunned and explained that it was just a red-brick rough house in the countryside of Hsinchu, with air leakage from all sides and no one could live in it. Moreover, he worked in Taipei and his registered residence was also in Taipei. Wasn't it said that he could apply for rental subsidies here?

The civil servant on the other end of the phone said coldly: "You understand it wrong. Only if you and your immediate family members do not own a property can you be eligible to apply for rental subsidies. Even if you do not have a farmhouse in your name, your parents have one in their name." You can’t apply for a house.” She even asked Adon, “Do you know how many people in Taiwan don’t own their own property?”

I later checked the official data: In 2020, there were 23.57 million people in Taiwan, and 8.04 million people owned houses, accounting for about one-third of the total population. In other words, two out of three people did not have a house in their name. Among those who own a house, more than 70% of them only have one house to their name, which means that they often need to rent a house when they go to work elsewhere. According to the civil servant's explanation, this subsidy is for the extremely poor, and Adon and I are not qualified.

After hanging up the phone, Adon said angrily: "If I had known this, I should have come back to buy a house a few years ago before the price went up so outrageously." Before the epidemic, he was considering buying a house in Italy to settle down, but as a foreigner, if he bought a house with a loan, , he needs an immediate family member to act as a local guarantor - you see, no matter where you are, legal provisions always make things difficult.

"Then sell the farmhouse and see if we can get a house in Taipei. If it's not enough, we'll sell the house we live in together and move the family to Taipei." Adon's parents gave the most direct solution.

Adon and I shook our heads repeatedly: We do not intend to stay in Taipei forever. Although it has created many legends in the last century, at present, its halo has faded and it is showing its fatigue. Statistics in 2023 show that Taipei's registered population has been less than 2.5 million, with a loss of 37,000 people in 2022 alone. The reason is that the epidemic has caused many "Tianlong people" to move abroad, while ordinary people have moved to other places with lower living costs. area. We came to Taiwan because of the epidemic. Now that new movements have begun, why hang ourselves on a tree?

On the eve of the Spring Festival in 2023, we decided to end our rental life in Taipei and abide by the agreement with the landlord to move our household registration from Taipei back to Hsinchu in advance and register it in a farmhouse under Adon's name. Surrounded by fields, this place is sparsely populated and wild dogs often gather here. Adon’s parents drive here every time. They are farmers’ children who have grown up in school and have a complex about the land. They bought this land by chance more than ten years ago and now farm it. Full of fruits and vegetables, it is a joy of their old life.

I remembered that in "Prime Minister Liu Luoguo", Liu Yong said "my dear" and pronounced it like "wheat field". What farmers like most is the field full of wheat. If they really sold it for the rafters and tiles in Taipei, it would be a real loss. Big. Adon said that he plans to save enough money to renovate the farmhouse according to his own ideas, and then live in it and become a "digital nomad" in the fields. Wouldn't it be great?

I said yes, but before that, where will we live?

Adon said that by living at his parents' house, he could save a lot of money on rent and save enough money to realize his dream sooner.

I said, isn’t that just chewing on the old?

Adon smiled brightly: "Who told me to be an only child?"

09

Adon and I did some calculations. Even if we drive back and forth every day, we will still save much more on gas and parking fees than if we live in Taipei. This kind of cross-city commuting is nothing new. In my hometown of Suzhou, there are many people who work in Shanghai and live in Suzhou. When Adon was working in Milan, some of his colleagues lived in Lodi, a suburb of Milan, or even further away. You can commute to Lake Como by car or high-speed rail. In order to realize the pastoral dream as soon as possible, it seems reasonable to gnaw on old age now.

But I still can't be as calm as Adon. Ever since I gave birth to a child and lived with my husband's family, I have paid for food every month and given red envelopes to the elderly during holidays. Even so, I still feel that the payment is too little, and I feel bad about it. When I am at home, I try to take care of the children by myself and let the elderly rest. This has greatly reduced my rest time. I often have to wait for my children to fall asleep, then get up and stay up late to do my homework. Sometimes I feel numb when I write, and I even think about some news and wonder if I will die suddenly.

Adon is the only person I can complain to. He thinks my politeness is unnecessary. "We are one family!" When he was in Italy, he had to endure the pickiness of foreign bosses, but when he returned to Taiwan, he was like a fish. Returning to the most familiar waters, I have even become expert at criticizing politicians, saying that so and so is a piece of shit, and that so and so is just a piece of cake. As he was talking, he suddenly stopped and looked at me with a hesitant expression.

"There is something I don't know whether I should say or not. If I say it, you might get angry."

At this time, we were having dinner in the apartment in Taipei. There were less than twenty days left before he completely moved out. I went over every day to pick up a few pieces of luggage that he had packed and took them back to his home in Hsinchu. The spider plants we planted when we first moved here are now covered in vines everywhere.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Your hair smells like oil consumption. I've been smelling it lately and I've been wanting to tell you."

I grabbed my hair: "Is it there? Why can't I smell it?" The neighbor next door to our apartment also often cooks, sometimes frying onions, sometimes turmeric, and the smell is very strong, I said, are you mistaken?

Adon said: "You can't smell it yourself. I have a very good nose, so I'm pretty sure."

After I got home, I rubbed my head carefully several times. After coming to Taiwan, because of the hot weather, I washed my hair every day like Adon. Because I found it time-consuming to blow dry my long hair, I cut it short several times, but it didn't smell bad at all!

The next day, Adon sniffed again and said there was still more.

"Is it because I changed my shampoo recently? Then I'll change it."

On the third day, he still said it tasted good.

My anger boiled over, but yelling is not my style. I carried the big and small bags and drove back to Hsinchu as usual. I reviewed the cause and effect along the way and came to a pessimistic conclusion: Adon had changed. When I put my baby to sleep at night, I was still not sleepy, thinking in my mind: Do I want a divorce?

I looked at the time on my phone and it was about three in the morning. I first left a message on Adon’s Line, which made my fingers hurt from tapping on the screen. I sent out five or six messages to condemn him. After waiting for a while, they were still unread. I guess he was asleep. I read all my messages again. Withdrawing, my heart was as tangled as a girl in unrequited love.

At this time I thought of my mother again. She started to suffer from insomnia as she got older. Sometimes she would forward chicken soup for the soul or parenting tips to me in the middle of the night, but I never replied. At this time, I tried to initiate a WeChat call with her, but no one answered.

Even my mother is asleep, forget it. I thought and silently wiped away my tears: I have been in Taiwan for more than two years, and this is the first time I feel aggrieved.

When I woke up in the morning, I saw a message from Adon asking me what was wrong, but my mother was even more nervous and had several missed calls. I left a message to Adon "Let's talk in person", but I kept it quiet to my mother. It was a working day, and Adon had an hour's lunch break. I told him that I had arrived at a nearby coffee shop, and he hurried over.

"I ordered lunch for you, you can eat and listen." I pointed to the food in front of him.

He glanced at it, didn't move, and asked me nervously: "What's wrong with you?"

"I think you don't respect me, and I'm very angry." I clenched my fists and my body shook uncontrollably.

He suddenly realized and said "Hey": "I'm just saying, I shouldn't tell you...it's because I said your hair smells, right? Oh, that doesn't stop me from loving you!"

I glared angrily and put my head under his nose: "Smell it again! Is it true?"

"No, really not! It was my fault, I'm sorry!" Adon apologized repeatedly.

"Huh, you're wise!" I took my head back, smoothed my hair again, and glared at him, "Are you too idle and drifting off? Do you know how hard I work every day, and you still have to pick on me? Bones? I was so angry that I couldn't sleep last night, and I was planning to take the child back to my parents' home in the mainland."

"Huh?" he exclaimed, "I just said it casually, but I didn't know it would make you so sad."

"You said it several times, yesterday, the day before yesterday, and the day before yesterday!" I showed him my fingers, "Do you think you can't go too far?"

Adon nodded in agreement: "You don't remember the faults of villains, don't take it personally." He opened his nostrils and smelled seriously again, "It really doesn't smell anymore."

I hummed again and showed him the search results on my phone: "Health magazines said that when you don't get enough sleep and are stressed, you will also produce odors. If you can really smell it, it means I am too tired. Physical examination Just know it.”

"Yes, yes, you have worked hard." Adon apologized again and again, and added, "Actually, I live alone in Taipei during the week, and I am not as cool as you think. I feel very sorry when I think of you taking care of the children alone at night."

"Anyway, I'll perm my hair later." I shook my head. It's been more than a year since the baby was born, and I haven't taken care of my hair properly yet.

"Yes, it's nicely permed." Adon saw me turning away, then he reached for the knife and fork and started eating with a smile, "I haven't seen you angry for a long time."

I said, "I came to Taiwan just because I got married. I have to keep my tail between my legs and be a good person!" Whether you are a mother, a student, or a worker, you are not a role that you can do whatever you want.

"I think you can be more honest with me," Adon said. "You look pretty when you're angry."

Glib tongue. I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help but laugh.

In the evening, I held the baby and made a video call with my mother, briefly talking about the matter from beginning to end, and she was relieved: "I was worried that you would be wronged alone over there." Due to the epidemic, Taiwan temporarily suspended family visits. The visa application process made it impossible for her to come to Taiwan to accompany me during the delivery. After the baby was born, she could only interact through a screen.

It’s time to take the kids back to the mainland. I wonder.

10

I have been thinking about resigning from the company. Although in the eyes of my family, the flexible working style seems to allow me to "balance" my studies and family, I know that I am not a superman, and I will not graduate if I "fool around" half-heartedly. Among my PhD students, the most common ones are those who studied all the way to get a teaching position in a university. However, there are also many students who have been out of society for many years and came here for the value of life. They originally had jobs when they entered school. But after studying for a while, I found that studying was not easy, so I either quit my job and concentrated on studying, or I applied to take a leave of absence and go back to work.

Adon's parents thought that studying for a Ph.D. was hard work. They had a friend who studied for ten years but failed to graduate. So they comforted me by saying that it doesn't matter even if I don't graduate in the end. It's not necessary to get a Ph.D., and the most important thing is to be happy as a person. If they can work from 9 to 5 and have a stable salary, they think it is a better choice.

But my company is far from stable. When I went on maternity leave in early 2022, most of the colleagues who joined the company had already left. The eldest Tania also flew to the UK to study for a master's degree. It is said that she was studying and working at the same time, and she was jet-lagged and had meetings with her boss online every day. In March 2023, I ended my paid parental leave. When I returned to the office, the company had been reshuffled. There were all new faces at the workstations. The boss lady who used to only be in charge of finance and human resources was now in charge of business. , requiring us to spend more and more time in class, so I have to ask for leave from the company to go to class. Since I took eight months off during the two years I worked, there was no need for a promotion or salary increase.

The final straw for me was when Tania returned from graduating from the UK and met me and talked about her days studying abroad. She lamented that prices had soared this year, making life difficult for both Taiwan and the UK. Although she received a full salary from the company, her income could not keep up with the soaring rent in the UK. In addition, she encountered racially discriminatory white roommates, which caused trouble for her all day long. When she returned to Taipei, things changed again, and she resigned after one month. ——I used to regard her as the company’s “Dinghaishenpin”.

In June 2023, at the end of a marathon meeting, the boss’s wife asked online, still unfinished, “Do you have any questions?”

I clicked on the microphone that had been turned off for a long time. A trace of guilt flashed through my heart, but I had to say this: "Sorry, I want to resign."

On the other end of the microphone, the boss's wife seemed to be unable to stop the car, repeating the work tasks again. After finishing speaking, she came back to her senses and said: "Then just do the handover and follow the process."

"Okay, no problem." I answered respectfully on the other end, as always.

Logically speaking, I shouldn't feel guilty: they are the ones making the most money, and I have the freedom to leave as I please. But if they hadn’t provided me with this job, I would have been excluded from the social system, would not have had my own bank account, and would not have received the rights during maternity and parental leave. As Adon's parents are accustomed to, only by entering this system and having a job can one become a complete and secure person, but I voluntarily gave up my job and returned to the "edge" just to take a breather.

I remembered that the professor shared her experience of interviewing "Internet celebrity mothers" in class. She said that before going there, she thought they were masters of time management. They were so busy raising children and could regularly produce beautiful pictures and articles. It was so amazing. It was discovered that they all have assistants, and these assistants are hidden from the camera. Fans do not know that those glamorous looks are the result of team work, and the anxiety of motherhood spreads because of this - I really don’t have to worry about myself I feel sorry for not being able to achieve three KPIs.

On the day I went through the resignation procedures, my boss asked me with great interest what I wanted to write for my graduation thesis. He also said that if I needed a new job, he could write a letter of recommendation. I thanked him for his kindness and said that I planned to go back to the mainland to visit my relatives first, and then we would see how things went. He didn't seem to believe what I said. He laughed and said I really envy you. Don't you have to support your family? I also smiled and didn't explain any more.

11

In August 2023, after nearly three years, I returned to my hometown of Suzhou. This is the longest time I have been away from my mother. Even during the years when I studied in Italy, I have never been separated from her for more than a year. And now when she holds her grandson in her arms for the first time, he can already call her sweetly. "Good mother-in-law". A new section of gray has grown out of her dyed hair, and there are a few more dark spots on her neck, which were covered up by the beauty filter on her phone during our video.

In my mother's room, my children found a group photo of the three of us, mother and daughter, taken together when I graduated from high school. He pointed at me above and shouted "sister" excitedly, thinking that it was the cousin he had just met, my sister's daughter. I suggested that my mother take another group photo and take the children with her. Mother said yes.

Before returning to Taiwan in September, I made an appointment with a photography studio and took them there for shooting. While she was putting on makeup, her mother suddenly asked to take another solo photo, and took out her phone to show the photo above to the photographer for reference: it was her best friend who grew up in the same street, wearing makeup and red. Green, traveling with everyone, was captured by a traveler looking back and smiling.

"Everyone praised her for taking this good photo, so she planned to use it as a posthumous photo." The mother said, "I will take this opportunity to take one too, so I can't lose to her."

I said bah bah bah, you are still decades away from death, why are you filming so early?

My mother insisted: "I want to take beautiful pictures before I am that old." She often attended class reunions over the years, and several of her old classmates left one after another, which made her very sad.

My eyes were hot and I almost burst into tears: I am used to being a daughter, but I am not used to being a mother. I never thought that she would feel so close to death. At this moment, I should be happy that we can still be reunited, but I feel fatalistic sadness: my child is destined to run far away, but where will I go?

The mother picked up the developed photo and commented with some regret: "Everyone laughed, except the baby."

I said: "He is still young and doesn't know how to smile in front of the camera. We will have another chance to shoot again in the future."

She nodded and asked me to wash a few more pictures and take them away. I laughed and said that it would be nice to save them as the desktop of my mobile phone. It would be more convenient than taking the photos. She seemed quite satisfied with her solo photo, but I always felt that her white hair was glaring. I said if I had known she was going to take a solo photo, I should have brought her to dye her hair again.

My mother didn’t mind. She said it was normal to have gray hair in this kind of photo. She also winked at me and said that she would wait until she got a family visit visa before dyeing it so she could look younger than her in-laws. She hugged her grandson and recited a familiar nursery rhyme in her hometown dialect:

"Nod Nono, insects make nests, cats eat, mice pass chopsticks, plop, plop~fly~"

When the mother said "fly", she deliberately raised her voice and gestured with flying birds with her hands, making the child giggle. At that moment, I seemed to have traveled through the mountains for thirty years and returned to the body of the little girl hugged by her. I even clearly recalled her body temperature and breathing at that time, as well as my joy as a young child. Perhaps at this moment, it is also being written into the depths of my child’s memory?

"Diandian-Nono-Chongchong-making a nest-"

At home in Taiwan, the child recited this nursery rhyme again. Although he was still a little unclear in speech, it did not prevent him from waving his chubby little hands and imitating his grandmother's movements: "Plop~Fly~Fly~"

"Where are you flying to?" I asked him deliberately.

"Fly to ~Suzhou~" he chuckled.

The growth of a child always surprises me: when did he absorb our conversations and turn them into his expressions? In my story, my mother is my footnote, and how will my children write about us?

"Buzz buzz", the phone screen lit up again, it was my mother's call invitation.

I picked up the baby and pressed the answer button.