avoid partner romance (1)

Recently, my intimate relationship officially ended. As a person who has been with a textbook-level avoidant attachment partner for two and a half years, I wanted to write this series of articles. Confession and reflection, secondly, I also want to give a reference story to friends who have similar experiences, or are going through similar relationships. Writing is a gentle medicine against grief. I hope it can take me out of the pain slowly and help me to have a healthier connection with myself and with my new life.

At the time of writing, I thought that my emotions could be relatively calm after more than a year of tearing, but when I really faced the parting, I still had a lot of pain and sadness in my heart. This relationship is like a carriage that has been dragged on the ice for a long time, and it has never known where it is going, but sooner or later the brakes must be stepped on. Except for the similar political views and positions, the former J and I are very different in everything (including lifestyle/habit/attitude, temperament preferences, style of dealing with people, values, ideas and plans for the future, etc.), and even the two To one extreme, being able to get along for so long can be regarded as having strong feelings for each other. Being able to live together peacefully for about two and a half years is already a big achievement. A breakup doesn't have to be seen as a failure, but rather that the relationship has exhausted its meaning.

about me and our relationship

As mentioned earlier, I may be a secure attachment personality, but this personality was untested before meeting the avoidant ex J, and when I met J, I had just experienced the worst early stage of the epidemic in New York, Just in a trough state of life, life is separated, psychological state is fragile, and there is a great desire for intimacy, so there will be a potential triggering mechanism for anxious attachment. All this is what I realized after dating J for half a year. Facts have proved that before you have a good life, don't enter into an intimate relationship, otherwise it will be easy to put yourself in a very vulnerable and sensitive state, and you will not be able to start a relationship in the right way. If you happen to meet a non-safe Type of partner, it is difficult to reverse back in the follow-up.

Before I met J, I had little love experience, and I had my own idealized imagination about love and feelings. In addition, I am a non-active Christian, and my concept of marriage and love is based on love. Two people The alliance of each other has completely merged into one community without reservation. After interacting with J, due to many changes in mentality and experience, I began to pay attention to feminism and the situation of women in marriage. Although this basic concept has not wavered, it is more and more difficult for me to be a unilateral A supporter who gives affection and care will be discussed in detail later.

The first and only boyfriend who was considered to be in a relationship was an out-and-out scumbag, cheating, unfaithful, and extremely misogynistic. It caused a lot of psychological trauma to me at the time, and the process of breaking up It's also very tortuous, and I won't mention the details. I don't have any nostalgia or good memories of him. Many years later, I had a very short contact with a boy. The scumbag is no longer enough to describe. He is a scumbag and lacks the most basic morals. Because of my first experience before, I was a little vigilant, so I got in touch with this guy early on. Cut off contact. So, instead of really practicing/practicing my ability to maintain close relationships and testing my attachment personality, the very toxic relationships in the past have seriously damaged my self-esteem. But on the contrary, my friendship and family relationship are very high-quality, and my native family and childhood experience have made me a more affectionate and secure person. In the field of family relationship and friendship, my self-esteem is not. Having been traumatized, I cherish and value my relationship and never give up lightly. I have a core circle of friends with more than 10 years of friendship. I also have a Madonna complex tendency, and it is easy to choose to stay with a person because of sympathy and pity, hoping to improve his situation. The infiltration of feminism in the past two years has gradually made me get rid of this tendency at the behavioral level, but deep down, there are still The Shadow of the Madonna Complex.

Due to the epidemic situation and my excitement and dependence on my new relationship, we lived together two weeks after establishing a relationship with J. It was the summer of July. When we first lived together, we were very sweet and harmonious. I felt that the other party was also very involved, especially remembering that I was lying on his lap, and we could look at each other for a long time, and then he said that he had never had such a good relationship with his girlfriend, and this was a feeling he had never had before. He felt very happy and happy, and asked me how we got to know each other. I said, maybe it was fate, and he replied, that is too lucky.

"That's too lucky" I have been remembering this sentence until now. At that time, my feeling was that I was so happy that we had this kind of luck for each other. J must feel very happy and cherish it. Until now, when I have a comprehensive understanding of the psychology of avoidant attachment (and after experiencing his cliff-like cooling), I understand that this sentence does not entirely represent a cherished mentality, but more importantly, in the bones I don't believe that special good things can happen to me. Many analyzes of avoidant attachment have mentioned that the more intense the emotion is, the more his avoidance mechanism will be aroused, longing for intimacy and fearing intimacy, distance is the safest.

When we broke up, I read the source article of a passage quoted by J’s Douban homepage signature, and I had mixed feelings:

There are many kinds of love. One is that you want to hold hands with him and walk on the street or in the supermarket. You make love and cook. You watch TV and serve each other food. Together, you are like a donkey, turning and turning, grinding time into powder, then kneading dough with powder, making buns, dumplings, noodles, eating it, and being full and satisfied.

There is another kind, that is, like me to you, looking around with a little imagination from afar. To this darkened years, put on some lipstick. All these years, I don't know whether I am using my imagination to maintain my love for you, or I am using your ability to maintain imagination.

I figured it out. Think about why you have been so obsessed with me for so many years. Maybe it's because I have a paranoid fascination for some distant things. You see, you are far away from me, you are always far away from me. But that's not the point. The point is, those things you love are so far away from the world. Plato. Socrates. Aristotle. hyucides. This kind of remoteness, this kind of paranoid remoteness, this kind of remoteness that has nothing to do with escaping but has something to do with depth, makes me nostalgic.

Look at the world, what kind of people are beating up. Those who make money look down on those who study, and those who study look down on those who make money. Patriotic cynics look down on democratic cynics, and democratic cynics look down on patriotic cynics. Those who watched Stephen Chow grow up looked down on those who grew up reading "How the Steel Was Tempered", and those who grew up reading "How the Steel Was Tempered" looked down on watching Stephen Chow grow up. The rich look down on the laid-off, and the laid-off curse the rich. This historical dead end is full of hair that has been pulled out, sneakers that have been stepped on, and teeth that have been knocked out. It's the same at home and abroad. Too close, too close, they leaned together and huddled together, their faces were red and their necks were thick, and they were squeezed out of shape.

In contrast, you are like a miracle in my heart. You think, but turn away. What moved me was such a paranoid back—in this crowded world, when I was tired, I wondered what kind of world this back was facing, and whether there was more peace in that world.

Maybe, I like you because you are the only person I know who cannot be classified. The only one who doesn't need any form of "collectivism". The only one who doesn't catch a cold from the prevailing mood. They are afraid of being alone, so they need a circle. But you are in your own corner, far away, carving your own time. And I miss you so far. Am I pitiful? I also feel that I am happy.

This text is a very accurate description of my state of mind. For a long time in the past, I was also a lonely thinker, savoring and enjoying loneliness, keeping a distance from others, and silently watching human feelings on the high wall Cold and warm, there is a kind of lofty feeling, even my previous feelings/love are fermented in imagination and writing, immersed in an unattainable sense of distance, not based on the actual understanding of this person. But I'm well past that age (middle school and early college) when I was tired of living and thinking like an ivory tower when I first met J, and I studied law and began to pay attention to real-world issues of justice (especially gender )The problem. Although I have passed that age, I am familiar with and appreciate this temperament of a lonely thinker. I still remember the day we established our relationship, he said to me that he was more of a solitary scholar in college, "Now, I want to participate in life more." This sentence deeply touched me For me, because I am the same, I want to get out of thinking, to practice life and relationship with people.

At that time, I had an impression of J that was later proved to be biased: I think he is a person who has a lot of affection for others, will depend on and like intimacy, and cherish feelings. So I had a lot of expectations to do a lot of things with him, spend a lot of time, explore different activities and so on. At that time, due to the epidemic situation, we were not able to go out very much, but we still went out for picnics twice.

avoidant attachment personality

Looking back, I think everyone who wants to seriously manage interpersonal relationships should study psychology. I have read a lot of articles about avoidant attachment on the Internet, some of which are scientific analysis from the perspective of psychology, and some are strategies/strategies Shared by therapists, there are also complaints and suggestions from people who have experienced avoidant partners (of course, most of the suggestions are persuasive). But I write this series of articles because I want to incorporate more personal feelings and experiences, to help myself and potential beneficiary readers better understand myself, others, and how to get along with this type of people. Don't think about changing others. If a person doesn't want to change subjectively, then other people can't do anything about it. And to change a person, there is a high probability that you want to control him. The original intention is not based on an equality and respect. Based on the foundation, don't change anyone, people can only change themselves.

With two and a half years of laughter and tears, joy and pain, I can draw a responsible conclusion for this type of person: if the avoidant personality wants to establish a long-term and close relationship with others (whether it is emotionally or a joint interest above), the decisive factor lies in their own variability and plasticity. In other words, if they do not adjust and change, the relationship cannot go on.

About a year before the official breakup, I first came into contact with the concept of avoidant attachment, and then read some articles one after another, and then began to intensively understand this knowledge a few months before the breakup, and gradually fully understood it. avoidant attachment. At the beginning, the cognition of this kind of personality is at the intellectual level, that is, I know how and why he thinks/does it, but from the perceptual and emotional level, I cannot experience and understand this psychological attachment pattern ——Why do you need to pull yourself out during the period of passionate love? Why can't you fully enjoy it? Why, in a relationship without any problems, does the intensity of a person's feelings fluctuate, instead of gradually deepening? Why do you act as if you have no emotion and are indifferent? What is the difference between avoidance and slag? and many more.

However, when I began to go through the process of breaking up, I found that I had also acquired some avoidance methods and tendencies. The formation of avoidant personality is precisely because this tendency has benefited people, so it has been continuously strengthened in various stages of life, forming an inherent pattern.

According to psychology, if you want to help a person get out of trauma and negative emotions as soon as possible, one of the most simple and direct ways is to keep him away from this source of harm. For example, if a victim of domestic violence and sexual assault has a tendency to depression, then It is best to have a friend take him away as soon as possible, change a place, and start a new life. Staying away and avoiding is an effective self-protection method when people encounter unsafe factors. Let yourself not pay attention/invest and give up completely. This is the most powerful antidote, and no one can hurt you. Over time, this formed a kind of instinct without thinking, and the avoidant attachment didn't even need to make a conscious decision to suppress and escape, and he didn't even think that he was suppressing himself.

But after all, it is impossible for people to be without emotions, and the result of repression can only be transfer/distortion, so J will pour 80% or more of his emotions into animation and the second dimension, because it is a one-way, Graphical, paper human emotions, the characters in the second dimension will not cause harm to him, form judgments, and will not impose their own emotions on him, so it is safe , warm, and harmless. And for real people, he has almost no feelings , even if he has, he will be suppressed very quickly. And in the process of emotional tearing and accepting the breakup that I went through for several months, I went from being heartbroken and unable to extricate myself from the beginning, to pouring out the problem, blaming the other party's anger, and then to a dispute. In this series of changes where I was emotionally overwhelmed but calmed down immediately, I realized that avoidance can be learned, and anyone can have the potential to avoid. The avoidant personality is only in the early stage of childhood personality formation, because of long-term experience in a high-pressure environment + perhaps one's own emotions are more fragile and sensitive, laying the foundation.

This is the avoidant personality I know. His emotional spectrum is single, childlike, and there is only one dominant source-stress. All exogenous factors will be transformed into - stressing him out vs. relaxing him. He can feel the emotions of others, but due to the simplification of his own emotional spectrum, he cannot feel more complex emotions, nor can he develop true empathy and empathy. He can feel and understand some simple emotions of himself and others (children can also have them), such as: anger/happy, jealous, hate/like, etc. But more complex and contradictory emotions , such as gratitude/grateful, pity, guilt, regret, regret, love and hate, he cannot perceive or perceive incompletely. For example, if your partner is angry and sad, this is an "insecure signal" that he can capture very sensitively, and it will be directly transformed into a source of stress for him, making him want to stay away instead of facing it directly, while a "safe" type Partner, the first reaction is to want to know why you are sad, and then try to comfort and encourage, instead of feeling troubled, helpless, stressed, and want to avoid. Of course, this is not to say that everyone will not feel trouble and pressure, but the avoidant type will be more sensitive, and the ability to resist stress in the face of other people's emotions is extremely low (because their own ability to resist stress is very low and their psychological energy is insufficient. ). For another example, if a relationship is about to fail and cannot go on, and has to face a breakup, a secure partner will feel a variety of emotions: pain, regret, self-pity, heartbreak, reluctance, etc.; but avoid The most dominant emotions of a type partner are not these, but: the source of stress is gone, and they feel relaxed and at ease. In addition, because people with avoidant attachment get together less with their parents and leave more, facing separation and distance is what he is best at doing. Therefore, they are very used to handling breakups. Although they will feel sad, this kind of Feeling is far from enough to become a factor that hurts the mind and affects their living conditions.

However, this does not mean that they do not have such complex emotions at all, they just do not have these emotions for people , and many times, these emotions are transferred to a safer world, for J, it is an imaginary space, a two-dimensional world , and only he can enter this world, and he will not easily share it with others. I also gained his trust from the more than two years of being with him day and night. He was willing to show me the second dimension of his spiritual and emotional sustenance. From there, I felt that he is a very fragile and sensitive person. Always oscillating between self-denial and self-esteem, but the core is still the inferiority complex of "disbelief".

This relationship made me deeply realize that "emotion" is closely related to personality and morality. A person's emotional mechanism and emotional ability have an all-round impact on a person's relationship with himself, others, and the relationship between himself and others. The cognition of the relationship between people affects a person's moral perception : the occurrence of moral sense starts from the proximity and relational between people.

The emotional mechanism and emotional ability of avoidant personality are greatly hindered, because the foundation of their self-recognition reference system since childhood is problematic, so they often feel at a loss in real interpersonal relationships. " The adjustment of attachment sometimes needs a mirror. We all know the objective self through the evaluation of others . The insecure personality such as the avoidant anxiety type is because the mirror around us is not smooth and smooth. The true self, that is, there is a deviation in the cognition of oneself, and the change must be a new self through a flat mirror." This mirror can be related books, psychological counselors, etc., so all the time, including after the breakup Actually, my only hope for J is that he can go to see a counseling doctor seriously , and fully expose and open up his past, contradictions, entanglements, and various problems in a safe environment...

Avoidant attachment has not formed a correct closed loop of social and intimate relationships since childhood, so many social behaviors and love behaviors are imitated, not experienced, because my emotions have never been taken seriously, and my heart is desolate and weak, frightened and anxious. Coping with stress on your own, unable to recognize and feel cared for, let alone give back the cared for, there is no subjective driving force in this regard.

An avoidant partner is nothing more than the following endings:

1. It also becomes avoidance/or originally avoidance, maintaining a close relationship with each other. But there is a paradox that avoidance and avoidance are difficult to be together from the beginning, because they are both passive and indifferent, and even if they are together, avoidance will feel that avoidance love is not real love, too cold and insecure, So that's also hard to maintain.

2. The combination of safety and avoidance is also the "perfect partner in the eyes of avoidance" analyzed by some bloggers on the Internet. Able to give without asking for anything in return, without asking for a response, to persevere in giving and avoiding a sense of security and warmth, to endure all his problems (aloofness, indifference to people, no emotional value/even negative value, etc.), he is very strong in his heart and has his own life circle and support system.

3. Breaking up is also the ending of most avoiding love.

Conceivably, possibility 2 is extremely rare, but not impossible. In this relationship, I was willing to play the role of the secure type. According to the tests of multiple channels and my understanding of myself, I am probably a secure attachment personality. My friendship and family relationship are of very high quality. My native family and childhood experience have made me a person who values affection and security. In the field of family relationship and friendship, my self-esteem has not been traumatized. I cherish and value it very much and never give up lightly. I have a core circle of friends with more than 10 years of friendship, and I have my own healthy lifestyle and career goals. I understand that all of this is my luck and privilege, and I am willing to be the one who gives more in affection and care.

In the end, it was not J's evasion of the question itself that made me ashamed, but other points that hurt me very much and my disapproval (even some disgust) of some of his fundamental values. This is why we need to distinguish between avoidant traits and selfish/irresponsible traits. Whether the relationship can last in the long run, there is actually not so much love or not in it. The fatal problem is often the character defect, and selfishness and ignorance cannot be cured by love.

(1) Selfish/self-centered

Avoidant personalities are sensitive to emotions but poor in emotional competence. The difference between the two is: emotion is a kind of physiological instinct, which cannot be restrained, and is reflexive; emotion is a more complex feeling after digestion and reflection, after volition and psychological processing. The selfishness of avoidance is an instinctive nature. Due to their weak inner strength, they have no energy to give positive emotions, but I don’t blame J for having no positive value. After all, avoidance is not his fault. However, what I can't stand the most is his complete inability to "hear/see" me, and even when I express my grievances clearly, his first reaction is always to deny any validity to my grievances. During the more than two years I spent with J, I endured his negative emotions and complaints about life almost every day. If I wasn’t a person with a strong heart and sufficient energy, I would have been crushed by him long ago. However, when I mentioned that I don’t want to be just a trash can for his emotions, if there are any negative feelings, we can find a way to face and solve them together, such as trying to meditate, or going to church together (he self claims that he is Christian, parents too). But his reaction really made me angry. He said: When two people are together, we can't just think about bearing good things, can we? Oh my god, I just wanted to say, I don't want to only bear the negative, how did it become that I only want to bear the good?

Another funny point is that he can't stand me having negativity when he has only negativity pouring out on me. Besides, I am still a relatively optimistic and positive person. When I seldom have emo for no reason, it is usually because of some specific problems or specific contradictions that trigger my negative emotions (so my A lot of negative emotions are actually brought about by J’s negativity). For example, once because he procrastinated going out, I didn’t eat at the restaurant that I had been thinking about, and I was unhappy; I made an appointment to go to a concert, but I regretted it 10 minutes before departure... and so on, I put it on other girls I just showed obvious displeasure about the thing that exploded a long time ago. He not only couldn't catch it, didn't apologize, but also blamed me for making such a big fuss.

Another small example, because when we first moved in together, our schedules were inconsistent. When I got up early, I would close the door very gently without waking him up. If I wanted to dry clothes, I would wait until he woke up. I do, but after I lie down and rest at night, he doesn’t care how hard the door is closed when he enters the room. He often wakes me up with a door slamming, and he doesn’t pay much attention when I tell him. Cold, he will put his hands on my body to keep warm, but I am used to sleeping naked, it will really make me angry, he will not do it until I ask repeatedly, although I am also afraid of cold hands and feet, but I am not willing to let him go Keep yourself warm. There are too many small examples of this kind, so I won't list them in detail. In short, my disappointment has been slowly accumulating.

For various reasons, I feel that he is a person who is extremely self-centered in intimate relationships and does not care about other people's feelings. What makes me even more unbearable is that he will have a negative reaction because I can't stand his selfishness. , think, I am the one who is self-centered. This kind of behavior of not only not realizing my own problems, but also pinning the same problems on me is the root cause of my disappointment. If he demands of himself the same standards he demands from me, he won't be able to pass 😊, in fact, I don't think he can bear/accept his own either.

(2) ignorant of good and evil / ungrateful

As I mentioned earlier, the avoidant J can perceive very narrow emotions towards people, coupled with the consistent pessimistic attitude of the avoidant personality, this leads him to have a very negative attitude towards everything that happens in life. It's really sad that he can't hold it in his hands. He can't appreciate the kindness of people, nor can he face what he got with any gratitude.

In the beginning (and even right up to the breakup), in life, I cared more about him than he did about me, I would remember the little things in his life to remember to do, make birthday/anniversary plans, The active offer sometimes picks him up from the company/airport, and when he is away from home/traveling, he will worry about whether his itinerary will arrive home safely, and so on. Due to the epidemic situation and he is very housebound, we stayed at home 24*7 for a year and a half. Although I don’t like cooking, I cook as long as I eat at home in the past two and a half years. The first year is especially intensive, and I also serve tea I "serve" on details such as pouring water, and I do all the housework except for washing the dishes that I ask, but he can't do all these little cares and cares. Not only can't it be done, but I will also accept all my care, but I don't think it is a big effort (compared to the higher expenses he bears in life). He didn't care about me, and he didn't think my caring was worth much, and the combination of those two things was the straw that broke me. Naturally, there are avoidance factors in all of this. As I mentioned earlier, the emotional source of an avoidant personality is pressure. If a person who is not familiar with or close to him treats him well and cares about him, he will feel pressured and instinctively want to refuse, because he is afraid of not being able to repay the favor. But if close people treat him well, he will naturally feel relaxed and comfortable, and covet this state, and will not think about giving back with the same sincere concern, because that is too tiring, and an intimate relationship cannot be tiring for them ( 😊).

This kind of ignorance of good and evil, of course, cannot be blamed for the avoidant personality. Naturally, there are criticisms from my feminist flag: Many men’s attitude towards a partner who treats them well is not to cherish, but to feel that “I can make people like me so much, I treat me well, I’m a dick,” and “A person who treats me well in every way A very good person can become my partner, and I will be very cool when I take it out, and it can prove my attractiveness" and other mentalities. This mentality obviously exists in J.

Later, after learning about his family life, I became more aware of the gendered roots of this "ignorance of good and bad". J's mother is very similar to my mother, both inside and out, and they manage the family very well. I saw with my own eyes that when J came home, it is no exaggeration to say that he stretched out his clothes for food, opened his mouth for food, cut and peeled fruits and brought them to his mouth, filled the soup for him to come out to eat, washed his clothes and folded them. Neatly placed at the door of the room. What seems even more absurd to me as an outsider is that every time I was called out to eat, J looked impatient, unable to understand the hard work and difficulty of taking care of my mother. But a very masculine point is that, like many Chinese men, J does not see his mother’s hard work and wants to help her to bear more (which is my attitude towards my own mother), he automatically substitutes for the family As a man, I personally told me that I hope that my wife will mainly take care of family affairs in the future, and I also said, "Why do you have to wash sweaters yourself when you have a girlfriend?" So, maybe in his eyes, it’s not surprising that I take more care of him in his life, and he doesn’t think it’s a “pay-off”. Exquisite home-cooked dishes, you can’t eat these (simple meals I cook) every day.” But the irony is that J has never cooked in the kitchen once, and made it clear that he will not and does not want to do it.

His ignorance of gratitude is also reflected in his attitude towards his family as always, so I am not surprised. Although I admit that he experienced an unhappy childhood, he was separated from his parents in his early years, and he didn't live together until he was 10 years old. Typical East Asian parenting methods: criticism, denial, control, not satisfying children's material desires, etc. But as a bystander, I can feel that his parents really care about him very much, they are all based on his interests, and worry about him. The parents have suffered a lot to create for him. Given his current living conditions and foundation, the specific details will not be described. However, as a 33+ middle-aged man, he did not treat his parents with warmth and care. Perhaps this is the tragedy of the Chinese parent-child relationship. Parents' "favor" is not love. On the one hand, it cuts off the cultivation of life skills and a sense of security, and on the other hand, it puts a lot of pressure that children don't need, so there are so many catastrophes. infant.

(3) Blurred/not honest about the boundaries of the relationship between the sexes

When I was dating J for two or three months, I learned that he was still interacting and chatting frequently with his ex. I was very angry + sad. After I expressed my sadness, he cut off contact with his ex. In addition, in the process of our relationship, a girl who once liked him and was very proactive often teased him on WeChat, and he did not refuse. Later, under my questioning and request, he told the other party not to contact her again . Half a year before the official breakup, we had a discussion about the crisis in our relationship. He said that he didn’t want to make any long-term commitments, and he planned to move out of the city where we lived at the time and go to another place. I was very sad. On impulse, I found a short-term rental house outside. During that time, we maintained a short half-together state (probably less than a month). Then he told me that he and the girl who flirted with him started contacting again, and the chat records were ambiguous chats (although the other party was more exaggerated). I was angry and dropped his mobile phone. At that time, I was really desperate. When I was sad, he was already able to flirt with other girls.

Judging from these examples, J's emotional boundaries towards the opposite sex are blurred, emotionally unfaithful and honest, and he is able to free ride on other people's more emotional investment. I learned that maybe these two girls are because they can't let go He kept in touch with him, but he didn't refuse, letting this kind of connection develop continuously. This behavior is disgusting to me and I don't think it's ethical.

(4) Fixed mindset

There is a conceptual distinction between fixed thinking and growth mindset in psychology. People with growth thinking think that a certain trait/character/skill can be acquired through hard work; people with fixed thinking think that , These qualities are basically inherently fixed and difficult to change. They will think that if I know it, I will or if I don’t know it, I won’t. People with a growth mindset will be more resilient, and they will be more flexible and resilient in dealing with setbacks, while people with a fixed mindset will choose what they are good at and stick to it.

To be honest, in the professional and career fields, there is no difference between fixed thinking and growth thinking, especially in highly professional fields, people with fixed thinking have an advantage. J and I are both in highly specialized professions, and we both have a strong tendency towards a fixed mindset. But when it comes to personal life and intimate relationships, I don't have a strong fixed mindset like J. I am open to change and adjustment, and in fact this relationship has changed me a lot (in some ways I don't I'm good at it, I don't feel comfortable changing), but I basically can't see the change of J, which makes me feel hopeless. From a gender point of view, in family relationships, it is easier for men to bring work thinking into the home, because women have always been the subject of discipline in the private domain of the family -- requiring women to smooth the edges and corners, for the sake of relationships/for The family as a whole makes sacrifices and adjustments, while men can be more themselves and continue their inherent habits and ways of thinking.

As I said earlier, if avoidant personalities want to establish a long-term and close relationship with people (whether in terms of emotion or joint interests), the decisive factor lies in their own variability and plasticity. Although the inclusiveness of the partner is also very important, it is not the decisive factor. If the avoidant personality does not make any adjustments, the relationship will always be in a state of pseudo-intimacy, and there will always be thunder buried there. Whether it is strong or weak will only affect when the mine explodes, and it cannot fundamentally clear the mine. It is true that many avoidant personalities also have fixed thinking and do not want to change, or because they disdain intimate relationships, they do not think this matter is worth the effort to change, but there are also avoidant personalities who are willing to make changes and adjustments, willing to Face up to your own problems in intimate relationships.