Lockdown · Memory (3) - Willful March, Looking for a Path to Healing

Author: Kou Yanding

Editor丨Chun Yingyan

 Editor's note:
Today, more than 1.6 million cases have been diagnosed worldwide. Wuhan people, Hubei people, Chinese, Americans, Italians... At this moment, we have truly become a community with a shared future. The new crown will also change the course of the world in the future. Someone lost a loved one, someone lost a job, someone fell into fear and anxiety, what can we do? Please see the author Kou Yanding, how to find the way of healing.

The March disaster burned all over the world, and I can't imagine what impact this plague will have on the world. In March, I stopped saying "I'm sorry" lightly. At first, it was out of instinct, and the disaster was getting worse. Under the scouring of life and death, the words were pale and bloody, and everything felt frivolous, hypocritical, and even blasphemous. The last word, especially to pay tribute to Dr. Zhang Wenhong, learn from his words: "Laughing at the spread of the epidemic in other countries and boasting about the strength of your own country is a blasphemy to disasters and the deceased."

March is my healing season. First aid for this pain is ineffective, and it can only be healed slowly.

The whole heart is broken

The heat on China's map is cooling, and the issue of dealing with "post-traumatic sequelae" is increasingly surfacing. I am not in the core epidemic area of Hubei, and I also said that "trauma" may be hypocritical, but the pain is real, and "the whole heart is broken." This is from Dr. Ai Fen, "the whistleblower", although I haven't been under pressure from her. It must be admitted that the worst time is maddening. In the long February, Shandong continued to cool down, and both physical and intellectual strength dropped below zero and continued to decline.

I believe that it is not only me who is facing the pain, not to mention Wuhan, nor to mention the suicide cases one after another outside Wuhan. On the afternoon of March 15, a two-year-old girl was hacked to death in public. The murderer was a 19-year-old college student who had never known the girl. Media reports mentioned his grievances with teachers, roommates, and dormitories thousands of miles away, as well as his current quarrel with his father. Life has endured a lot in the first place, and everyone has accumulated their own problems in life. However, during the special period of the epidemic, people were detained in a cramped space, which magnified the inner darkness and became a terrible force to destroy people and self-destruct.

Dr. Ai Fen is under more pressure. She is the director of the emergency department in the eyes of the epidemic storm, and her responsibility is also greater. She did not collapse, but it was me who collapsed. very sorry for that.

However, looking back on the experience of self-healing, in those dangerous critical stages, the most important thing is "don't be embarrassed".

Don't be embarrassed, lose your temper out of control, say bad things, ask for help, or vent publicly. To accept the embarrassing self. Sometimes, it is helpful to send out wasteful articles to vent, write a diary and cry and cry, but it may not always be effective. If you can't bear it, you just say "I can't stand it anymore" and ask your friends for help. Those maddening dangers are like pressure in an air bag, say it, and it comes out. Giving those "sorry" a way to live is actually giving oneself and others a way to live.

Thanks to my friends for catching my emotions when I was most in danger, but it’s equally important to reach out for help myself.

Find the source of pain

After the most dangerous moment, try to find the source of those pains. Comparing self-destruction to an explosion, then our life is a dynamite bag, and the fuse must be removed to be insured.

Find the source, and then try to distinguish, which ones are force majeure when the pain comes, and which ones you can make a difference.

The devastating blow of this disaster to me is not the peak of bad news, I can bear the bad news. When the first photo of garbage trucks transporting meat was released on March 11, the Internet was outraged. I didn't even think it was strange, and I knew it was not an isolated case. Soon photos of various garbage trucks transporting food appeared, and it was true that people were not treated like people. As long as I don't premise that ugliness has a limit, these things can no longer hurt me.

The most fundamental damage is my inaction, inaction in the face of disaster. It is because of my disapproval and dissatisfaction with myself.

The 512 earthquake more than ten years ago was also a catastrophe. I know who I am and what to do. If there is no ideal, people will die. At that time, I was an actor. I knew what the ideal was, and I was not afraid that there would be no road. No matter if I was in heaven or hell, I just walked. The road is made by people.

But this time, I am not among the doers, and there is no way out. This is the dead end of my life. It's not that I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it, it's that I can't do it. I was forced out and faced force majeure. The dust of the times falls on a person's head and becomes a mountain, and it is a mountain that I can't resist.

Without ideals, people will die. Then look at your life and think about what else you can do.

farming. Give me a piece of land and plant it like a seedling, and a new man will grow. But not now. My Tiantian and I are separated from each other. Tian is thousands of miles away. Roads are closed, villages are closed, and I am not allowed to enter.

Relief came from my friend: "Keep writing, I think your writing can have a lot of power," and I decided to believe it.

Write a new book. That's it!

When I was in prison, I could rely on this ideal to survive, and now it is better than then.

Ideal is a good tool. Humans have the instinct to survive, and they will reach out subconsciously in the process of depravity. As long as they catch something, even if they catch the stop-loss point of bottoming out, if they catch the ideal, they will earn it.

Build your own fort

March hides in Tarzan's hut, my fortress, keeping a distance from the world. Not only physical distance, but also distance from damage.

With the process of sending medical aid and medical teams from China, the circle of friends began to be cleaned up. My circle of friends is not large, and it is usually cleaned up on specific festivals every year, but this time is an exception. Dr. Zhang Wenhong said restraint. I am relatively simple and direct. There is a type of information that is not stupid but bad. Staying away from this type of information and those who forward it can protect our fragile hearts, cherish life, and be less hurt.

I was fortunate to have Tarzan Lodge, which accompanied me through many difficult times. In 2015, I got out of prison, rested here, and then went to Taiwan for a few years. The homecoming hut is full of cobwebs and dust, but it is still my faithful fortress, and there is an equally faithful collection of books on the four walls.

This place of peace of mind is my home. For example, I rented a farmhouse in Taiwan. There were large farmyards, and there were also small cubicles with only six square meters. Even the two or three square meters of the parents’ storage room downstairs were all the same. Become a fortress of life.

Every time I fall into a trough, I will evoke a lot of new worries and old hatreds, all kinds of dissatisfaction with myself, and become a total review of self-resentment, and then pull myself deeper. The lower you are, the more annoyed you are at your "repeated fall", which leads to more denial and a vicious circle.

This time, when I came back to take care of my daily life, I found that there are automatic light-controlled night lights everywhere in the house. The ubiquitous night lights awakened the "once" that I had forgotten: when I came back from the dark prison, I used to be so afraid of the dark.

These "forgotten" night lights, witnessing past pain and growth, put the brakes on my dissatisfaction with myself.

What's the harm in being capricious

The spring breeze is blowing in March, and my heart is messy and chaotic.

When I came back, I started writing a new book, but unexpectedly, when I started reading, I "lost" and got lost in the maze of "history books".

My bookshelf has accumulated too many ideals and unfulfilled wishes. Many new books are bought as "history books" and left for the "future": they will be read one day in the future, there may be time in the future, in the future... When the state is not good, the bookshelf will also lead to dissatisfaction and denial of themselves.

This was also the case at the beginning. I didn't read much of the reference book that I should read, and it turned into a random book. Of course, I can't enter the working state, so I feel dissatisfied with myself... But stop!

I asked myself a few questions. What am I coming back for? Write a new book. Why write a book? In order to cure the disease and save people... After I asked all the way, I finally realized: If flipping through the book can make me feel better, wouldn't it be to cure the disease and save people?

When I was young, I once wrote this sentence on the cover of my diary: "A leisurely life cannot be tidy." How young I used to be, pattern, Tucson.

I have never been so extravagant and self-willed to do nothing and flip through books. Many "history books" have only turned over one beginning, including the "Deng Xiaoping Era", which caught up with the Hong Kong premiere and was still signed by the author. Closed door will only read books, read when tired, sleep, wake up and read, have fun, and become more and more satisfied with yourself.

There are also many books that have been carefully read and memorized, such as Paine and Tocqueville. The original crease notes are quite different from the current ones—they waved their hands again and gave themselves a high score: they have grown again.

He liked the windy courtyard up the hillside, just as Thoreau liked his log cabin by the lake. "My log house is not only more suitable for thinking, but also more suitable for serious reading than a university."

A friend's self-healing experience: "I have learned to cut off the emotional source of information... All I can do is to protect my heart and give some strength to those who trust me. In addition, the world and me It does n't matter." I've gone beyond that.

My son thousands of miles away asked me to "accompany my grandma and grandpa", but he didn't know that I was treating sickness and saving people, and treating myself was more important. Let go of your dissatisfaction with yourself and let go of your responsibility. Only when you heal yourself can you take responsibility.

I like my north, where the four seasons are distinct, when winter comes to spring, and everything recovers. All things, including me.

At the end of March, I took the new toon sprouts, wolfberry heads and huoxiang in the yard to give my parents a taste. They don't know the stories behind these flavors of spring, and they don't have to.

In spring, all ten Haizi are resurrected.

During this epidemic, if you have also recorded your memories of the lockdown, please send them to us~ (email address: ngocncat@protonmail.com)

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