longing for a feeling of disappearance

A few summers ago, in a semester destined to be 21st, when I was in a good mood, I would go to the school library to rent DVDs, where there were free air conditioners, comfortable chairs and headphones, and then just sit there and watch a movie for an afternoon; Occasionally, I will go to other floors to see if there are any books of interest. During that period, I read a lot of books and movies abnormally (after all, I was originally a person who only chased no-brainer romance dramas), and I remember watching "Fight Club" and Nuan Nuan's " Days Without School " at that time. : Those things I learned while traveling ", " Death in Alaska ", etc., most of them are themes of this type, and that reflects the self who is confused about the future.

If I remember correctly, in the Nuan Nuan book, she said: "The reason why people long to travel is because they long for a feeling of disappearance."

In recent years, because of Covid and the ties between myself and the land, I have not left Taiwan for a long time. Now, as if I was in my twenties, I have a strong feeling of seeking "disappearance"; Completely different, yet so familiar.

I still remember the backpackers I met when I traveled in the past. People in their thirties would always say to me with admiration, "It's great that you are here (travel) at the age of twenty!" And at this moment, My age is about to catch up with them back then; it seems that because of this, I finally seem to be able to understand the (possible) meaning behind what they said to me back then; for example, relative to others, earlier Is there an opportunity to reflect on the existing structures/norms of society?

But the funny thing is, I am still confused about my life. Although mental health problems are also one of the factors, outside the scope of mental health, my heart is really eager to change. That's a powerful push.

Although the confusion brought about by survival has not diminished with age, it is fortunate that the curiosity about the world does not seem to have been worn away by time, but at the same time, the burden of leaving the need to give up does become heavier. Whether it's because of parents, dogs, stable life (circle), or physical and mental health.

"Can I take another adventure?" Worry and joy intertwined in my heart, like sitting alone on the coast, waiting for the moon to rise from the sea.

And the feeling of wanting to disappear is also reflected in the urge to clean up the footprints on the Internet for a while, but it seems to be an impossible task; how do people disappear into the online world? In other words, how can modern people who are heavily dependent on the Internet be "reborn" on the Internet?

Disappearance or rebirth here means to let the relationship grow back to a simpler and more organic way, and let each other "close" happen outside of Social Media, which is not social at all; this does not mean that there is no need to connect with people on the Internet at all. Hmmm...I actually don't know how to clearly express why, and where is the difference between using and not using Social Media. All I can say is that I prefer to chat directly with friends I want to care about rather than mindlessly swiping through the "friends" feed.

Well, probably so.

What is sure not to disappear or give up is the fact that writing is used as an expression.

I've been listening to Jensen Huai's albums a lot lately :)