Official Diary | Debug

I feel very calm at the moment.

I read Repetition Compulsion during the day, and it seems that I can find one that can explain some of my puzzling behaviors in the past, and since many people in this world are also experiencing it, it seems to be a phenomenon in a certain phenomenon. One member felt a little reassured.

That feeling of reassurance, in addition to the "sense of belonging" brought by the group, is also a bit like saying: Ah, it turns out that I was like this before, not because I was stupid or because I didn't love myself, but because subconsciously, I actually I tried so hard to "rewrite" what happened in the past, but this unconscious "excessive effort" accidentally hurt myself.

This process of understanding slightly slows down the reflex action of habitually condemning the ego.

However, it is important to be aware and categorize the "compulsive repetition" of one's own behavior.

Much like if a code has an Infinite Loop, in order to get out of the loop, you have to review the code from beginning to end and debug, so that the program can escape the stuck state , keep going down.

And I'm also debugging, by practicing "consciously" living, reducing the chance of letting myself re-enter the loop :)

In fact, today (April 27) is the death anniversary of my favorite writer Lam Yihan.

During a consultation, when talking to Mr. Lin Yihan with the counselor, she said that she was not sure whether the book "Fang Siqi's Paradise of First Love" saved me or hurt me.

At the time, I had no answer because I was crying; but now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure it saved me.

If it weren't for her, I might not have known that I was hurt until now, because "sexual assault" is in the sex education I have been exposed to in the past, or in the TV media, pornography, or even my grandma's mouth, it seems that There is only one version, that is: a "stranger" suddenly came, pressed you to the ground, and raped you.

But in fact, this is not the case; in Taiwan, according to statistics from the Ministry of Health and Welfare in 2019, among sexual assault victims under the age of 18, the perpetrators were acquaintances as high as 72% .

I remembered that my friend U shared an essay written by her junior high school a while ago. The title was "If I'm Neuropathic".

There is a special education class in U's school. When she was a child, she often saw boy A with intellectual disabilities being bullied by many classmates, but because boy A didn't know what "bullying" was, he always thought that his classmates were bullying him. play with him.

In this essay, U described the incident and said that the essay was given a very low grade by the teacher at the time, and then she asked me: "If you were that boy, you would want him to know that he was being Bullying?"

Well, I thought about it at the time and replied, "If I were the boy's parents, I should choose to tell him, because if there is more serious injury in the future, it may be too late. But if I were the boy , I may not be so sure whether I want to know the "facts" or not."

After all, the truth is so ugly and unbearable, and there is a weak self in this unbearable; like looking at a pus-scarred scar, you can't help but feel sick.

Facing yourself is a very difficult thing, and facing your vulnerability is even more difficult. It is a long road and requires courage, but if you are reading this text, no matter what stage you are in, we all Let's go together, okay?

I hope Teacher Yihan can continue to eat her favorite strawberry cake in the sky, thank you so much.