2022 SummaryBecoming Displaced

1

I want to write a year-end summary, but I don’t know how to start writing. Most of the content in the circle of friends is distorted personal life, which is not painful. I can’t find resonance in the summary of the old world looking forward to saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new. I suspect that I have lost consciousness. I also suspect that I am out of touch with the world.

I took the initiative to read some official accounts of people who have followed me for several years, and listened to some podcasts.

Fortunately, Liu Yuan, who poked me, wrote an article summarizing the changes in the outside world in 2022, and burst into tears when he read it. My feelings about 2022 are finally being written, acknowledged, and feeling less alone.

Li Houchen's flipping is as optimistic and positive as ever, pushing me to do things, and it made me finally write this article. It turns out that 2022 is a year when even Xiao Li will doubt whether what he does is meaningful, such a firm and tough missionary.

The untimely sense of grief at the year-end summary also made me feel a sense of real companionship and comfort: Oh, it turns out that my sense of numbness in mourning is also reasonable.

Maori Xiaozhang didn’t write too much this year. I think she really put down EGO as she said in her summary last year, entered real business, devoted herself to the world, and embodied practice.

"The interaction between a person's power and the world is extremely limited, and I have almost felt the ceiling. I want to enter the world, into those things that I used to avoid, keep away from, and just want to be a bystander. Get involved, be a part of it, and see what you can do in there."

After reading and listening to the year-end summaries of these people, I also felt a lot of relief and energy to record.

2

Looking back on the whole year, what are you looking back on? For me, it is every moment that makes the heart tremble, and it is the series of touching, sadness and anger on the timeline. If my feelings are like a piece of paper with ups and downs similar to an electrocardiogram, then I think my year is a few times in the extreme ups and downs, and most of the time it is so numb that the heart is not even beating in a straight line. I feel that my emotions are not tolerated by any environment. In the extreme depression, I even start to spoil and loathe my emotions, and the result is naturally long-term numbness. The numbness is terrible, it dissipates my motivation to participate in the public, the power to do things.

Of course, if you look at the photo albums and diaries of this year, I have been to many countries, joined an NGO as a volunteer, experienced many beautiful daily life, was moved by the changes of the four seasons, healed by nature, and met my beloved People, there are many small surprises in life, and they have come into contact with many interesting and fresh western cultures. My life is generally idle, with only study as the main task, and the daily life accompanied by my partner and friends is extremely comfortable.

Displaced

Arthur often asked me how I felt. After many attempts to explain the domestic news and my own feelings, I finally found a suitable word, Displaced. A mismatch between emotions and life, a sense of tearing, an absence of not sharing this time with China, a guilt of not being present, a sense of floating with one's feet on the European land but without a foundation.

But what can I do at home? I have the love of blood, the warmth of the stratosphere, but I don't have even more reality than my life in the bubble, where I don't have the confidence to unfold my future.

Identity and self-identification are the issues of our generation. Among the floating and false, I still have the courage and cost to choose the truth.

Comfortably Numb

This is the melody I've been repeating a lot this year. After listening to it after going through the painful to numb feeling of despair during that time in Shanghai, the lyrics also came into my consciousness. "Easy paralysis refers to a state of severe alienation and burnout, including the use of drugs to relieve insanity and produce a sense of alienation to relieve stress and mental breakdown." Just take psychotropic drugs. Alienation and burnout are the two core feelings of this year.

take root

When I heard Lee Hsien Loong say this word, I felt goosebumps, and I felt that I had received a strong revelation of my complicated emotions about the past and my confusion about the future. Both Mimi and Chengchi, who I like very much, changed their WeChat/Weibo signatures to this sentence this year.

I also very much want to change this word to my signature, but I also feel that I am a little bit less determined. The new life has really started, but I don’t have the decisiveness to say no to the past. I think it’s very important to me where I come from. A little God's perspective is a fluke and I hope I can have both.

"Feel Like Home"

Really living in Europe, the positive perspective of tourists when traveling is gradually covered by the trivialities of life. I remember every time I went to Europe, the moment the plane landed, I was filled with joy. Once a European travel companion asked me how I felt here, and I blurted out "Feel Like Home". The sense of identity brought by identity is too bitter, and I almost ignore the place where Europe makes me feel at ease.

Physics World: The air is really good and the humidity is just right. In addition to the ridiculously short sunshine time of two months in winter, the distinct four seasons, the protection of nature, the forests that can be entered everywhere, and the centuries-old historic and sacred trees that can be seen everywhere in the forest, it is easy for me to gain transcendence. Ecstasy experience.

Spiritual world: I always feel that my spiritual world is more in line with Western values, such as basic values of interpersonal relationships, respect and freedom. I don't know how those things affected my upbringing, but deep down I knew from a young age that I was supposed to live in that place. Every day I am here, I am comparing the experience of the domestic environment in the past and detoxifying, growing, and growing courage. I feel these things all the time, and I am grateful.

interpersonal relationship

The people I thought of during the New Year's Eve, the messages from Zongge and Connie I received when I woke up in the morning. I have thought a lot about what it means to be in a real relationship. There is a new understanding of the excitement and crowds of the past.

Inexplicably received a small talk from someone I met in a certain time and space, I feel very annoying, I am really tired of this kind of flattened interpersonal relationship, flowing, rootless and unguided, but it is a real particle, in Flashes in my mind from time to time, corresponding to the infinite possibilities of the future. And I'm tired of imagining the possibilities.

Looking back at my past life, it is often my passion that pushes me forward, and I am not afraid of getting lost with anyone, because I seem to have accumulated a lot of energy, goodwill and optimism at the beginning. But looking back now, batch after batch of people have been lost in a kind of mysterious self-confidence and romanticization. When I walked forward, I didn't look back. Looking back now, every step forward is actually a certain price.

3

Last year today I was full of energy. I wanted to write, read, love, and have many connections. I was very proactive, but also reckless and innocent. A wave of stupidity and optimism after changing the environment.

This positive feeling is missing this year. I don’t know if it’s a kind of down-to-earth after recognizing the facts, or a kind of compromise, or a kind of cowardice, or a combination of the two. 2023, I think in the final analysis, I don’t have too many positive expectations for this year, more maybe fear, fear of the transition from students to the workplace, fear of reaching the crossroads of Europe and China, what I will face is better The adaptation, or the active or passive abandonment that backfires. No matter how I actively adapt or return to China, it will be another round of painful transformation. Facing this possibility of nowhere to escape, I feel terrified.

But fear is the unknown, and the unknown is always accompanied by many hopes and possibilities. I can continue to choose, learn, and work hard, which is great luck and happiness in itself. May I take a leap and have more courage to face fear.